Clearing the Heart Blocks

 Several summers ago, I attended a retreat in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina taught by Vani(Linda Bretherton), a healer from the United Kingdom.  The setting couldn’t have been more inspiring with ponds and streams, a butterfly garden, and a quaint rustic lodge.  The year before, Vani had worked on my charkas, opening many blocks that enabled me to find the courage to pursue a more heartfelt life.  In a small pavilion by a rushing stream, we did deep, difficult work, and when I left I knew it would take a while to integrate what I had experienced.

For the next year, my life was rather stressful, but also joyous, because there were times when I was joyfully immersed in writing, stopped worrying about how to make a living and just celebrated being alive. Only when the sense of lack from my early conditioning came back to haunt me did I feel stressed.

Spiritual Messages

This conflict between my emotional and practical sides had always been a challenge.  One night just before the retreat, I had a dream in which I was at the Intuition Institute.  Referring to my lack of clarity concerning the path I should follow, I asked, “What’s this all about?”  The answer was “It’s a struggle between the rational and the intuitive.”

Then, almost a month after the retreat, I woke suddenly at 3:30 am like a bolt of lightning had hit me.  Totally lucid and feeling surprisingly peaceful, I saw a large billboard in my mind.  Across it in neon letters, Spirit wrote, “It’s all in place. Relax.”  That was simply too much for me to process, so I turned over and went back to sleep.

By the time I woke again, I could only respond to this message with awe.  It didn’t seem quite real.  However, the theatre teacher in me was very impressed with how dramatically effective Spirit had been in getting my attention.  She was usually more subtle than this, but evidently I hadn’t been listening very closely or my fears were clouding my mind.  Clearly, she didn’t want me to miss this one.

The Fear of Letting Go

After I exhausted myself analyzing the meaning of this remarkable experience, I realized I was avoiding accepting this simple and beautiful message. Underneath it all, I didn’t trust myself enough to believe I deserved Spirit’s trust.  What if I were unable to truly accept this? And what if I could accept this?  That was a scary thought: really turn my life over to Spirit, to do it completely this time.  To really let go.  To have complete faith.

 I have a little poster on Faith that says,

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know,

And are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,

Faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something to stand on

Or you will be taught how to fly

 I remembered all the tears I had shed at the retreat.  They came in enormous waves as if the ocean were crashing through my soul.  They were uncontrollable, washing away large quantities of deep sadness, ancient wounds, carrying me through deep currents to eventually deposit me in the light again where I knew I was a Divine Being.  I had underestimated the power of those tears to force me to let go. 

What more could I want to know than “It’s all in place. Relax!”

And yet, there I was a week later – angry, resistant, confused, stressed, clutching, attached to one point of view – unwilling to shift my thinking to a new perspective.  Even after releasing my fears and reaffirming that I was open to Spirit’s guidance, I fell back into the quagmire of negativity and attachment.  Where was my trust, my faith, my knowing?

At a ceremony on the night before the October full moon, I chose an Insight card, “Prosperity.”  I asked, “How?”  The answer was “It’s coming.”  For clarification, I drew another card that stated, “Take time off to allow your body to rest and renew.”

“It’s all in place. Relax!”

So, I rested.  On the full moon, something shifted.  I let go of my need to control the situations in my life.  I accepted the possibility that looking at the cause of my anger from a different perspective would allow me to understand these situations in a deeper and more beneficial way. I considered the possibility that I truly did deserve Spirit’s full support, that I did deserve this gift, that all I wanted was already in place waiting for me to claim it.

Five years after Vani’s retreat and Spirit’s amazing message, I have continued to receive financial and emotional support for my writing from many unexpected sources.  I have learned to trust that I may not know the outcome of the whole plan, but I simply take the next step.  I don’t need to know what the step after that really is, for Spirit keeps surprising me with where she wants me to go.  I’m learning there is not one answer; there are many answers.  I have to remind myself frequently to let go, relax, and make space for the miraculous to bless my life.

Faith is, after all, the ultimate acceptance that the unknown is Good.  “Relax!  It’s all in place.”       © 2011 Georganne Spruce

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One response to “HAVING FAITH

  1. Beautifully written, Georganne.
    Such a wonderful reminder for us all.

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