Tag Archives: Kindness

AWAKENING TO BE XENIAL

Posted on September 22, 2021 | 1 comment

“Lead the life that will make you kindly and friendly to everyone about you, and you will be surprised what a happy life you will lead.”  Charles M. Schwab

Are you a good hostess even with people who are not your friends?  Are you happy with your life?  What creates this happiness in your life?

(I’m very grateful to Randy for offering this topic because there are few words starting with “x” that inspire positive ideas.  Most are about things.  Next week’s topic may also be a challenge, but if you have a word starting with “Y” please leave it under Comment.  Thanks to you all!)

Xenial is not a word I’ve ever noticed.  After teaching English for many years, it is unusual for me to find a word that I don’t know.  It seemed to originate with the Greeks referring to being friendly or hospitable to persons from different cities.  Now it primarily refers to the friendliness between a host and guest.

The Pandemic Makes Being Xenial More Difficult

Unfortunately, during the pandemic, many of us haven’t been hosts or guests very often.  Fortunately, the vaccine has made it possible for vaccinated families and friends to visit safely to some extent.  But the current situation has also created some difficulty for those whose families have different views about being vaccinated.

One of our biggest challenges is how to be xenial to those who are not from a different city but to those who threaten our health by not being vaccinated.  Being safe and hospitable often conflict when we have to tell a friend not to visit until vaccinated.

Being Xenial Is The Best Way To Relate

Generally, being xenial is the most positive way to treat others when being with them is not a danger.  When we don’t know someone well, it is a good idea to treat them pleasantly and kindly like we do with our friends.  The energy that we spread through our lives creates who we are, not only affecting others, but affecting how we feel as well.  When we focus on the positive, we are more likely to feel good.

In college when I lived in the dorm, my roommate and I had little in common, yet we treated each other xenially.  We got along well because we found amicable ways to use the shower we shared and agreed when to get quiet and go to sleep.

In contrast, when I first discovered I couldn’t eat gluten and dairy, I often interacted with people who didn’t quite believe my situation because they had never heard of it.  One person insisted I was just doing that to get attention.

However, when I visited a friend who was diabetic and had to eat four times a day, she was very sympathetic and made sure I had the food I needed.  She was very xenial around this issue.  I have no doubt she had experienced a few unpleasant experiences in relation to her food limitations.

We All Appreciate Kindness

A welcoming attitude always makes a difference.  When we apply for a job and are welcomed pleasantly, we are more likely to want to work for that company than when we are treated as if the interviewer hardly has time to talk with us.  We want to work in hospitable places so that we can look forward to going to work each day.

In order to be kind and friendly, as Schwab suggests, we have to feel good about ourselves.  Meditation, for example, can help calm us when we need to let go of anger or negative feelings to make room for positive thoughts that will help us and those around us.  Taking care of our inner selves allows us to be more positive with others.

If we treat  co-workers, friends, and family members kindly, they are more likely to return that pleasantness.  “What goes around, comes around” is true.  Having a xenial attitude toward others is the best way to live.

© 2021 Georganne Spruce

Related Blog Posts:

AWAKENING TO DEEPER FRIENDSHIPS

AWAKENING TO EXPRESS KINDNESS

AWAKENING TO A PEACEFUL HEART

 

 

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AWAKENING TO EXPRESS KINDNESS

Posted on June 16, 2021 | 2 comments

“This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”  Dalai Lama

Do you consider yourself a kind person?  Are you surrounded by kind people?  How do you express your kindness?

(Thank you Charlie for our topic this week.  Next week, the topic will start with “L,” so please leave your suggestions for a topic in the comment section.  I always appreciate your suggestions.)

Qualities of Kind People

I am always deeply touched by kind people, and there are several things that I notice about them.  They are people who are at peace with themselves.  They look for what is positive in others and in situations.  They are empathetic and compassionate.

These are the kind of people I want in my life, the people I can trust, who when there is conflict will talk respectfully about our differences and work things out.  I can look back on my life and see the many times when I tolerated behavior in relationships and friendships that was less than respectful of who I was and my needs.  Now I find that I am less willing to ignore such disrespect and that more of the people I draw into my life are kind.

What has changed and why is kindness so important to me now?

Kindness Is Based On Loving Ourselves

I read an article “The Magic of Unconditional Love:  An Interview with Don Miguel Ruiz” by Diane Marie Bishop in Science of Mind Magazine.  In the article, Ruiz talks about how we cannot love others unconditionally unless we unconditionally love ourselves.  Over the years, my ability to love myself has grown.  I have let go of my need to be perfect or to fit someone else’s standard.  This acceptance has given me more peace, and I have learned to be kinder to myself and others.

It is all connected.  When we love ourselves, peace and joy automatically become part of our lives and the expression of kindness becomes a natural thing.  We are less reactive and more aware of how our words and actions affect others.  We are also more flexible and able to adapt to the needs of others when it is appropriate.  But we also are at peace with who we are and can say “no” when we must and do it in a way that is kind.

Negative Thinking Blocks Kindness

It was a challenging week last week with many every day difficulties arising.  It was a week of important teachings, a reminder that, instead of getting caught up in another’s negativity, I need to tap into my inner peace and stay there.  I wasn’t always able to do that, but I will continue to pursue that path.  Experiencing peace and love is my priority and that is what I want to share with others.

When we love ourselves, we are more likely to see life as positive.  When we are feeling positive, we are more likely to respond to life in a positive manner and act kindly.  But seeing the same situation from a negative point of view may completely change how one experiences an event.  Negative thinking can be a powerful block that supports our egos worst choices and keeps us from acting kindly from the heart.

Once, I offered to loan a friend a library book I’d finished so she could also read it before it was due.  With a long waiting list, it was hard to get.  She emailed me to leave it in her mailbox, but I wasn’t comfortable with that due to the torrential rains we were having, and it belonged to the library so I didn’t want to risk its getting damaged.  Since we lived close to each other, I asked her to give me a call when she was home, and I would bring it to her or she could pick it up.  She thought my concern was foolish, and she became angry that I wouldn’t do this the way she wanted, rejected my offer, and refused to return my phone call so we could work it out.

I was rather shocked by the whole situation.  Her response to the situation seemed harsh and out of proportion to the reality although, in the past, she had been disturbed about situations she viewed as negative when I didn’t see them that way.  Still, what created this problem?  Had I been unkind without realizing it?  Was she stressed about something or angry at me for another reason?  I didn’t know.  By focusing on the negative rather than the positive aspect of the situation and refusing to communicate, my friend created a problem that didn’t need to exist and eroded the trust I felt for her.

Positive Thinking Supports Kindness

An experience with a sales person when I had a problem with a new cell phone also illustrated the consequences of positive and negative approaches to situations.  This man made it clear that he only had time for people who were there to buy something although I had been required to trade out my phone for a new one due to network changes.

Because of his lack of customer service, I decided not to do business there again.  Instead I went to another store where a kind young man showed concern for my problems and took the time to show me how to use the new phone.  Perhaps he was just a kind person or perhaps he understood making a customer happy might mean more sales in the long run.  Either way he took the higher road.

Kindness May Be Expressed With Empathy and Compassion

Two other ways we can express kindness are through empathy and compassion.  They are beautiful expressions of our love and peace.  With empathy we are able to put ourselves in the other person’s place and feel what they are feeling.  We may make this connection because we’ve experienced a similar situation or because we use our imagination to envision what they are feeling.  Compassion takes us one step further emotionally to a place where we want to help.

To share our feelings of concern through either of these expressions is an act of kindness.  We care if another person is in pain or difficulty and want life to be better for him/her.  I have another friend who frequently expresses these qualities.  The trust I feel toward him because of this is huge.  Whether he thinks my feelings are foolish or not is irrelevant.  What he offers me is concern and empathy first.  If we argue, it becomes a respectful conversation that allows us to understand each other and helps our relationship grow deeper.  As a result, I feel loved and at peace with him.   I can always trust that he cares about what is best for me.

Allowing kindness to become an important part of our lives can truly change them for the better, for kindness is part of the holy within us.  It’s just another aspect of treating others as we wish to be treated.  Perhaps it is also another way of changing our own little worlds and contributing positively to the larger one.

What kindness have you expressed or experienced lately?

© 2021 Georganne Spruce

Related Articles:

AWAKENING TO WHERE KINDNESS HAS GONE

AWAKENING TO A PEACEFUL HEART

AWAKENING TO COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

AWAKENING TO RELEASE OUR PERFECTIONISM

 

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AWAKENING TO GOODNESS

Posted on May 5, 2021 | Leave a comment

“The fragrance of flowers spread only in the direction of the wind.  But the goodness of a person spreads in all directions.”  Chanakya

Do you believe you are a good person?  What do you do that makes you think that?  If you don’t think you’re a good person, what do you need to change?

This time of year the fragrance of flowers graces us whenever we are outside.  Their blossoms fill the sky and are scattered across the lawn especially after high winds or rain.  The very sight of them is uplifting and touches my heart.  They remind me of the people who have also touched my life and those who have made the world better for all of us.

I don’t have to define goodness.  We all know what it is although some of us may disagree about the people we consider to be good.  Division is rampant in our country right now in politics.  As a result it is also dividing some families.  When we are staunch-believers and build walls around us, letting only those who believe like we do connect with us, we severely limit our lives.

Improving The Planet and People’s Lives

Despite the division and negative attitudes rampant in our society, there are still people whose goodness fills the air like the fragrance of spring flowers.  Greta Thunberg, the Swedish environmental activist has moved the world to pay more attention to climate change and to do what we need to do to save the planet.  Her goodness has spread over the world.

In Asheville, the homeless situation is dire, but there is a movement to provide the homeless with decent housing.  Some hotels have allowed them to occupy rooms without having to pay.  Others are proposing building shelters that will allow those who want to live outdoors to have the facilities they need.  Through our good actions, we may change others’ lives for the better.

Basis of Goodness Is Love

Goodness usually refers to what we think will be positive or beneficial in a thought or action.  Often the basis of it is love.  We act in a good way because we care about the environment, or our family and friends.

Before my husband and I were married, we each lived in our own houses.  On a hike one day, I slipped and fell, badly breaking my ankle.  It required surgery and the doctor put a plate and pin in it.  My greatest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to walk down the aisle for our June wedding.  I was afraid my only choice was going into a facility to care for me, but my past experience with rehab was not good.

I was thrilled when my husband decided to move in early to care for me.  His act of goodness only further confirmed that I had definitely chosen the right man, but I did feel badly that our life together was starting that way.  Because of his love and caring, I was able to walk down the aisle on our wedding day.

The Goodness of Friendship

Friendships are valuable. They often allow us to share our thoughts freely without the other’s judgement.  A good friend listens, expresses empathy, and if asked, ventures an opinion.  Sharing ideas from a loving perspective often helps us see answers to problems we can’t see alone.  The value of a good friend is priceless.

Years ago, when I moved to the middle of Nebraska to teach, I immediately became friends with two good women.  I think they were drawn to me because I was different – a dancer and from “the big city.”  I was thrilled because they were warm and open and made me feel at home despite the culture gap that I experienced.

These warm friendships helped me be more upbeat with my students, especially in the midst of a freezing winter in a strange place.  I tried to be not only the students’ teacher, but also a caring person with whom they could share their concerns when they were struggling.  My friends’ goodness spread through me to others.

When we think about people like Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King, Jr. we have to acknowledge their influence was gigantic and their goodness spread throughout the world. But we don’t have to be famous to make a difference.  We just have to be willing to share our own goodness wherever and whenever we can.

© 2020 Georganne Spruce

Thank you, Nina, for today’s topic.  If anyone wants to contribute to next week’s topic, please offer a word starting with “H” and leave it in “Comment” at the end.  Thanks!

Related Blog Posts:

AWAKENING TO THE NEXT GOOD THING

AWAKENING TO DISCOVER THE LIGHT

AWAKENING TO LOVE THE WORLD, PART 1

 

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AWAKENING TO WHERE KINDNESS HAS GONE

Posted on February 10, 2016 | 3 comments

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Theresa

4-730_Silence_hdWhen do you make a point of being kind? Do you consider yourself a kind person? What helps you the most to be kind?

Enjoying the Silence

Today is a day when I am enjoying the silence. Off and on, snow flurries distract me. My husband is away working much of the day. The multiple dogs that walk down our street are staying home so my vocal dog is bored and sleeping. At lunch I read rather than watch the news.

I’ve started reading the Science of Mind magazine’s daily readings and meditations and this month’s theme is “silence.” Perfect. These readings help me start the day with more attention to quieting my mind, and that has not been an easy thing to do lately.

In fact, in order to preserve a healthy state of mind, I may have to give up Facebook. I like what my friends say and post, but the political comments that others, some of their friends I guess, are simply tasteless and mean. When did we exchange respectful debate for vicious attacks? Where has the kindness gone?

Disagreement Can Be Civil

In high school I learned to debate. We faced each other respectfully, armed with information and specific ideas to support our point of view on the subject of the debate. We took turns presenting our viewpoint and listened as the other side spoke so that we could respond to the points they made. The language was informed and civil.

debate_first_5

Our Negativity Spills Out Into the World

Now, I realize not everyone has been trained in debate, and some have not been trained to use kindness when faced with different ideas. As Mother Theresa points out, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” When we express hate or anger when we are faced with differences, we infect ourselves with negative energy and it spills out into the world.

The consequences of this are not good. We now live in such a diverse world and country that it is almost impossible to avoid different ways of thinking and unique cultural attitudes. We do not need to agree with everyone, but if we want a peaceful world, we need to find a kind way to disagree. As Samuel Johnson once said, “Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.”

Turn to the Silence

It’s a choice. As a nation, we have chosen to focus on competition, always winning, always achieving. We are obsessed with football despite the mental damage the impacts do to the players. We have to be the winner. We have to have the most money, the biggest house. And we pay a huge price.

2015 006

If we want a peaceful world, we have to practice peace in our own lives and create positive energy that embraces those around us. We have to encourage cooperation and understanding and not see ourselves as the winners or losers. When a conflict arises, what do we do when confronted with another’s anger? Be still. Listen. Do not allow that anger to engulf us. I often imagine a globe of light or love surrounding me so that the negative energy will bounce off and I will feel centered.

We must also try to remember: this is not about me even when it appears to be. We resist the temptation to defend ourselves or the presidential candidate we support or the friend who is being attacked.   We try to show compassion or empathy for the other person’s distress. “I understand you’re upset with me (or Hillary or Bernie or Donald, etc.).” We might even say, “I understand your concern” or say kindly, “I’m sorry, I have to go now.” Then when the person calms down, it may be possible to have a conversation with them.

Photo: penspen

Mother Theresa & Princess Diana Photo: penspen

How Do We Live With Unkindness?

As Mother Theresa points out, we have the power to choose to respond with kindness in many situations and the choices we make echo into the future. I often think about the presidential candidates that are congress people or work with the president. When they have viciously attacked each other in a campaign, how do they go back to working with each other after that? How do they let go of the hateful things their colleagues have said and done?

Not only do we need kindness in our personal lives, we need kindness as a part of politics. We can be kind and still disagree, but what will it take to change a government that feeds on undermining the other side at the expense of the public they are supposed to serve? I have no answer. I just know that I will vote for the sanest person who represents what I believe the country needs. Hopefully, that will also be someone who knows how to create peace and has the courage to be kind.

With all the chaos in the world, I am meditating again. Each day I must have some moments of silence to remind me that I don’t have to be part of the chaos. I have to remember to be kind to others and myself.

How do you express kindness during a conflict in your life? Please comment.

© 2016 Georganne Spruce                                                                ZQT4PQ5ZN7F5

Related Articles:  Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science, Let’s Not Fight, Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts

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AWAKENING TO KINDNESS

Posted on August 14, 2013 | 2 comments

“This is my simple religion.  There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy.  Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.”  Dalai Lama

Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth and current Dala...

Tenzin Gyatso, the fourteenth and current Dalai Lama, is the leader of the exiled Tibetan government in India. He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1989. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you consider yourself a kind person?  Are you surrounded by kind people?  What has created your ideas about what kindness is?

Qualities of Kind People

I am always deeply touched by kind people, and there are several things that I notice about them.  They are people who are at peace with themselves.  They look for what is positive in others and in situations.  They are empathetic and compassionate.

These are the kind of people I want in my life, the people I can trust who, when there is conflict, will talk respectfully about our differences and work things out.  I can look back on my life and see the many times when I tolerated behavior in relationships and friendships that was less than respectful of who I was and my needs.  Now I find that I am less willing to ignore such disrespect and that more of the people I draw into my life are kind.

What has changed and why is kindness so important to me now?  Peace, love, and joy are now my priorities.

Kindness Is Based On Loving Ourselves

I recently read an article “The Magic of Unconditional Love:  An Interview with Don Miguel Ruiz” by Diane Marie Bishop in Science of Mind Magazine.  In the article, Ruiz talks about how we cannot love others unconditionally unless we unconditionally love ourselves.  Over the years, my ability to love myself has grown.  I have let go of my need to be perfect or to fit someone else’s standard.  This acceptance has given me more peace, and I have learned to be kinder to myself and others.

It is all connected.  When we love ourselves, peace and joy automatically become part of our lives and the expression of kindness becomes a natural thing.  We are less reactive and more aware of how our words and actions affect others.  We are also more flexible and able to adapt to the needs of others when it is appropriate.  But we also are at peace with who we are and can say “no” when we must and do it in a way that is kind.

Negative Thinking Blocks Kindness

It was a challenging week last week with many every day difficulties arising.  It was a week of important teachings, a reminder that, instead of getting caught up in another’s negativity, I need to tap into my inner peace and stay there.  I wasn’t always able to do that, but I will continue to pursue that path.  Experiencing peace and love is my priority and what I want to share with others.

When we love ourselves, we are more likely to see life as positive.  When we are feeling positive, we are more likely to respond to life in a positive manner and act kindly.  But seeing the same situation from a negative point of view may completely change how we experience an event.  Negative thinking can be a powerful block that supports our egos’ worst choices and keeps us from acting kindly from the heart.

Recently, I offered to loan a friend a library book I’d finished so she could also read it before it was due.  With a long waiting list, it was hard to get.  She emailed me to leave it in her mailbox, but I wasn’t comfortable with that due to the torrential rains we were having, and it belonged to the library so I didn’t want to risk its getting damaged.  Since we lived close to each other, I asked her to give me a call when she was home, and I would bring it to her or she could pick it up.  She thought my concern was foolish, and she became angry that I wouldn’t do this the way she wanted, rejected my offer, and refused to return my phone call so we could work it out.

I was rather shocked by the whole situation.  Her response to the situation seemed harsh and out of proportion to the reality although, in the past, she had been disturbed about situations she viewed as negative when I didn’t see them that way.  Still, what created this problem?  Had I been unkind without realizing it?  Was she stressed about something or angry at me for another reason?  I didn’t know.  By focusing on the negative rather than the positive aspect of the situation and refusing to communicate, my friend created a problem that didn’t need to exist and eroded the trust I felt for her.

Kindness

Kindness (Photo credit: -RejiK)

Positive Thinking Supports Kindness

An experience with a sales person last week when I had a problem with a new cell phone also illustrated the consequences of positive and negative approaches to situations.  This man made it clear that he only had time for people who were there to buy something although I had been required to trade out my phone for a new one due to network changes.

Because of his lack of customer service, I decided not to do business there again.  Instead I went to another store where a kind young man showed concern for my problems and took the time to show me how to use the new phone.  Perhaps he was just a kind person or perhaps he understood making a customer happy might mean more sales in the long run.  Either way he took the higher road.

Kindness May Be Expressed With Empathy and Compassion

Two other ways we can express kindness are through empathy and compassion.  They are beautiful expressions of our love and peace.  With empathy we are able to put ourselves in the other person’s place and feel what he is feeling.  We may make this connection because we’ve experience a similar situation or because we use our imagination to envision what he is feeling.  Compassion takes us one step further emotionally to a place where we want to help.

To share our feelings of concern through either of these expressions is an act of kindness.  We care if another person is in pain or difficulty and want life to be better for him/her.  I have another friend who frequently expresses these qualities.  The trust I feel toward him because of this is huge.  Whether he thinks my feelings are foolish or not is irrelevant.  What he offers me is concern and empathy first.  If we argue, it becomes a respectful conversation that allows us to understand each other and helps our relationship grow deeper.  As a result, I feel loved and at peace with him.   I can always trust that he cares about what is best for me.

Allowing kindness to become an important part of our lives can truly change them for the better, for kindness is part of the holy within us.  It’s just another aspect of treating others as we wish to be treated.  Perhaps it is also another way of changing our own little worlds and contributing positively to the larger one.

What kindness have you expressed or experienced lately?

© 2013 Georganne Spruce                                                                   ZQT4PQ5ZN7F5

Related Articles:  Appropriate Compassion, Soul to Soul with Don Miguel Ruiz (video interview with Oprah), Are You Empathetic – 3 Types of Empathy and What they Mean, How to Fix the Broken Record in Your Head

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